a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
