You're my little dorito
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You can't just leave with hair like that
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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