Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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