Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
