Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You ruined the universe
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
