You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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