look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
