She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
