I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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