I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
