Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
