Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
