What did we do last night that was yellow?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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