I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
All the doctor said was why
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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