Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
