Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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