you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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