Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
