She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
