I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just pee around me
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
