We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
