If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
