I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
