So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
