i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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