thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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