i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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