You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
