Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
