I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
