I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
