On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
So apparently I’m into choking now
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
