he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
