i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
