Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
