my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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