The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
