And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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