Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
