Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
