if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
