We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
