that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
