Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
