I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he was CRYING into my vagina
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
