i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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