Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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