fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
