u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
