Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize