C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
