dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
