My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
