At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
