So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
