Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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